Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Mr. Evinrude Goes To An Iowa Caucus

By Mars Evinrude

Last night I attended my first caucus here in Iowa, in the City High School Theater in Iowa City, and I must admit the whole Americana atmosphere of the experience washed away my usual political cynicism, if only for an evening.

After weeks of yard signs and commercials, the most surprising thing about the caucus was how half-assed the actual proceedings were. No one seemed to know exactly what he or she was supposed to be doing.

Our district was in a hall with fixed seating, so no one could really move around much. Every group screwed up its count at least twice, whether it tried to march everyone past one counter or it made people shout out numbers and sit down (as we did, since we were pinned at the front of the hall).

Finally, the tallies were written on a sheet of paper in thin red pen that no one could read (at one point, I groaned that if this was the most together the Democrats could be, I was going Republican. The guy next to me pointed out the Republicans probably had PowerPoint). But, even after all the hassle and confusion, what made it worthwhile was seeing a vote as the living, breathing human being it represented, instead of some hanging chad mistakenly punched for Buchanan.

When we finally got it together, Kucinich had a strong showing in the dirty hippy and belly-shirt vote, while Dean's group contained more of the collegiate intellectual crowd and almost everyone who hung around the local bookstore. Kerry's group was an army of Clinton-esque middle class white guys in wool sweaters. He also had a bunch of the local veterans (one of whom apparently drove a gunboat in the Gulf of Tonkin, if his heckling friend from the Dean camp was to be believed). Edwards's votes looked a lot like the Kerry group, except they seemed surprised there were so many of them.

Gephardt had five people. Sharpton and Lieberman had none.

My wife and I decided to join a small band of renegade Clark supporters, 32 of us to be exact. I had been impressed with Clark's speech at the University (he quoted Goethe off the cuff, which was a nice change from "strategery") and one of his supporters looked like the dirty old man from Benny Hill and mutely waved Clark bars at all of us. I am easily swayed by such things.

But when it became clear Clark's camp didn't have enough people to be viable, we were assaulted by representatives from all the other groups, each of whom tried to get us to move en masse to their side so they could win additional delegates (all except Gephardt's people, who I think went home to watch "Norma Rae"). It was fun being the belle of the ball, if only for 15 minutes.

Edwards's people claimed he could beat Bush because he was Southern. This immediately lost my vote. I'm from the South, I was educated in the South, and I don't think any of us should really be put in charge of anything much more important than a kegger. We're good at keggers, but I think we're too easily distracted to run anything else.

Kucinich's folks claimed voting with them would send a message to America that peace, love, and understanding should be the main issues of the campaign. They seemed to have no illusions Kucinich could actually win. I liked the idea of changing the issues from gay marriage and the elderly, but I finally decided I couldn't join any group that looked like it would break into a drum circle if it won.

Kerry's folks offered us a delegate if we went with them. My wife chose to do so, and to be honest, his mission statement was actually pretty good. It listed his positions on issues and whatnot, while Dean's just talked about himself and a bike trail.

But, I went with Dean. I did this for two reasons, neither of which was actually a good one. First, my mother-in-law (a devotee of Bill O'Reilly) told me Dean couldn't govern because he had panic attacks. I'm agoraphobic, and I have panic attacks, so I felt an immediate bond. Second, I think the Democrats have been a terrible opposition party. They basically roll over every time the Republicans do something ("you want three gazillion in tax cuts, we'll show you by only agreeing to two gazillion! Ha Ha! Take that!"). Maybe a Dean candidacy would shake them out of their group paralysis.

When all was said and done, Kerry won by three votes, with Dean in second, and Kucinich in third.

Whether this will mean anything by November, I have no idea. But, for one evening, I really felt like a part of the process, and it felt good.

Consequently, this morning after I woke up, pet the dogs, drank my coffee, and read the New York Times, I went outside and hung an American flag from my porch.

I think it looks great.

Mars Evinrude owns two chocolate labs named Pogue Mahone and George Emerson. He also currently posts as El Gordo de Amore at the creative writing blog "Earth Goat"
http://earthgoat.blogspot.com

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